Drunk Munchies Tips & Advice

Always ALWAYS plan ahead! This doesn't mean stock up your cabinets with food you anticipate on eating later that night, because it's almost impossible to predict what you'll desire when the munchies hit. Rather, just thinking one step ahead (by reading these tips!) will help make your munching experience a few notches better.

How to get Pizza (or any other food) Delivered Faster:

Before going out, always make sure you have the phone number of at least 3 delivery companies in your phone. Even if you're completely adamant about only ordering from that one place whose marinara sauce and cheese combination gives you a better orgasm in your mouth than anyone else can give you down there, store two back ups just in case. What if the place burns down that night, closes unexpectedly early, or, (gasp!) you find the pizza parlor in bed with your best friend? You'll be glad you have your rebound numbers.

Now, skip forward a few hours. You've hit and conquered the bar scene, gotten a few hotties' phone numbers to add to your address book next to your 3+ pizza delivery numbers, and you're ready to grub.

Call and place your pizza order BEFORE you get home. During the prime drunk munchies time (generally between midnight and 3am Friday and Saturday nights), any respectable delivery company will have a 45 minute to 1 1/2 hour delivery estimate. If you wait until you get home to order it, you'll be passed out far before the pizza man rings your doorbell, and your mouth will wake up feeling blue. Instead, call the pizza company as soon as you step out of the bar - chances are, finding a cab will take about 5 minutes, the ride home will take about 10, and it will take you another 30 to crawl up your front porch, bang on the door a few times before you realize you have the keys to open it, and change into your stretchy pants so you can devour the whole pizza. By the time that's all done, and you're ready to grub, Mr. Delivery Man will be at your door, holding your orgasm in a box.

How to get the best Bang for your Buck:

If you're at a fast food joint, always order off the dollar menu. When you're drunk, what's the difference between the joint's special deluxe grilled chicken sandwhich with secret sauce for $4.79 and an ordinary chicken sandwhich from the dollar menu? About $3.79. (For all those people about to start bitching about the health differences - you just spent 3 hours consuming liquid liver poison in a room infused with lung poison, so now is not the time).

Another good trick is to order the most plain item available, and conver it in free sauces. Pile on every free sauce and condiment you see, even if you don't know what it is. The key is more is more (duh). It doesn't matter if the flavors don't match, because when you're drunk, everything matches.

For example, if you're at a Chinese place, order a carton of white rice for $0.85. Then, cover it with the free soy, sweet and sour, and chili sauce packets they have by the utensils. You get all the flavor of fried rice, at a fraction of the cost.

Lastly, MSG is your friend. Always, always keep a small jar in your pocket and a large one in your cupboards. It costs less than $5, and will turn any plain item into a gourmet meal.

Take Ramen noodles, for example. At $0.25 a packet, it would be a total steal and drunk munchies heaven, if only you didn't have to cook it. Well, add in MSG, and you don't need to. Simply sprinkle on the flavoring packet and a few grains of MSG, and voila - you've got Beef flavored chips for 26 cents. Want chicken flavored chips? Then buy the chicken flavored Top Ramen.

Want to turn your alcohol into a tasty smoothie? Replace the pre-shot salt with MSG, it will really bring out the limon flavor in the vodka.

Got bread and nothing else? Two words: MSG sandwich.

Don't even have bread? MSG Kool Aid.

Okay, maybe the last three suggestions are a bit pushing it. But the point is, everything tastes the same (which is GOOD) when you've got the munchies, so always go as cheap as possible.